A sitcom, a bully, and some relationship management
I was recently watching an episode of “The Middle,” a sitcom about a middle-class family in the middle of the country. I find it clever and creative and catch myself laughing out loud in each episode.
In the episode titled, “The Test,” the dad (Mike) finds out his youngest son (Brick) has been bullied at school. The principal proudly shares with Brick’s parents that Brick never fought back, and Mike is obviously conflicted about this. He wants his son to be able to stand up for himself. He confronts Brick at home, challenging Brick about his response to bullies.
After several interactions, Brick passionately tells his dad about his approach to bullies, but Mike presses in his efforts. Eventually, there is an interaction that leads to Mike feeling victorious in his effort to “toughen up” his son. Here is how this storyline concludes (apologies for the spoiler):
When Mike shares his victory with his wife (Frankie), he says, “I stole his sandwich, and he finally stood up for himself. I’ve been hounding him all week, and he finally listened to what I was trying to say.” [At this moment, there is a flashback to the first conversation with Brick, where his son says, “I find that most bullies want to feel heard.”]
Mike continues with Frankie by saying, “It wasn’t easy, but sometimes you just have to let people know who is in control.” [Cue the flashback of Brick saying, “They (bullies) have to feel like they are in control.”]
Then Mike concludes with, “So I told him I was proud of him, and...I walked off.”
Mike trails off, remembering Brick’s final observation, “And when they have won, they will just walk away.”
Mike ends up saying, “I’ve been played! That kid is a genius.”
Brick demonstrates some insightful relationship management.
According to Bradberry and Greaves, “Relationship management is the ability to use your awareness of your own emotions and those of others to manage interactions successfully. This ensures clear communication and effective handling of conflict.” (p. 43)
Let’s step back and review the four pillars of emotional intelligence:
Self-awareness: This is the accurate recognition of your own emotions and tendencies, an honest understanding of what makes you tick. Note this pillar is focused on the recognition of self.
Self-management: This pillar is also focused on self, but the emphasis is on action rather than recognition. When emotions are accurately understood (self-awareness), we increase our likelihood of managing those emotions successfully. Self-management includes self-control related to our own emotions and our reactions to people and situations. There is a beautiful long-term benefit of good self-management: the ability not to get caught up in the immediate, so that we can pursue long-term, more important goals.
Social awareness: Now we are back to a pillar that is focused on recognition, but rather than being self-focused, it is others focused. I shared quite a bit about social awareness last week. As a reminder, Bradberry and Greaves stated, “Social awareness is your ability to accurately pick up on the emotions in other people and understand what is really going on with them.” It is an accurate recognition of emotions, but with a focus on others.
Relationship management: Finally, we have the pillar that is focused on our actions related to others. It is the ability to use the awareness of how we feel and others feel, and then act accordingly.
I love how these pillars interact. It is virtually impossible to have effective self-management without self-awareness or relationship management without social awareness. We must have the recognition before we can have the management.
Returning to our example with Mike and Brick...Brick fully recognizes and conveys his emotions related to bullies (even moreso than I communicated in my brief synopsis). He demonstrates social awareness by recognizing the feelings of others (the bullies and his father) and their need to be heard and be in control. He demonstrates self-management by controlling his own actions during the bullying episodes and the “bullying” by his father, and he beautifully manages the relationship with his father by sharing his true emotions and acting according to his own emotional needs as well as his dad’s needs.
I am not suggesting the context is accurate or that bullies can always be conquered through careful acquiescence – not at all. Instead, I am focusing on the characters, their feelings, their actions, and how they are woven together to demonstrate each of the pillars of emotional intelligence. Without a doubt, Brick conveyed the “ability to use [his] awareness of [his] own emotions and those of others to manage [the interaction with his dad] successfully” and the “effective handling of conflict” (Bradberry and Greaves).
The key to building relationship management skills is to build your own self-awareness and social awareness, focusing on accurate and honest assessment of your own feelings and the emotions of others. Without this foundation, your attempts at relationship management will be based on inaccurate understanding, and thus, your success will be limited.
Much of our stress at work emanates from working with others, dealing with conflict, and navigating relational roadblocks. The relationship management pillar of emotional intelligence is something we could all use to improve our work life (and our life in general). I would love to help you grow as a leader, manager, and employee through a focus on emotional intelligence. Contact ABL Wise Consulting today.
pc: Etienne Girardet via Unsplash
Source: Emotional Intelligence 2.0 by Travis Bradberry and Jean Greaves (2009).
