Eyes open, mouth closed

Have you ever been in a meeting or social event where someone was not "reading the room” and was being abrasive or unknowingly offending or alienating people? I find it absolutely cringey. My response varies, depending on the environment and situation, but many times I have attempted to insert myself as a buffer to soften the impact. Sometimes this works, and sometimes the person continues down the path of relationship destruction. What is this (seemingly) clueless person missing? Social awareness. 

I have frequently written about or referred to self-awareness and self-management, both of which are components of emotional intelligence (EQ). As is clear from the names, both of those aspects focus on self; however, there is another “half” to EQ that focuses on others. These aspects are social awareness and relationship management. Today I will focus on social awareness. (Note: EQ is a construct developed by Peter Salavoy and John Mayer in 1990 and popularized by Daniel Goleman in his 1995 book.)  

in Emotional Intelligence 2.0, Bradberry and Greaves provide a definition: 

Social awareness is your ability to accurately pick up on emotions in other people and understand what is really going on with them. This often means perceiving what other people are thinking and feeling even if you do not feel the same way...Social awareness ensures you stay focused and absorb critical information. [emphasis mine] 

I have a friend who is simply quite gifted with social awareness. We jokingly refer to it as her “Spidey sense.” If I am struggling with something and do not want to talk about it, I am tempted to avoid her, knowing she will catch on. She can sense the emotions in others, and she has developed her relational skills in such a way that she can approach people with genuine care and concern. I always end up sharing with her because of the atmosphere of compassion and empathy she fosters.  

Thankfully, we do not have to have an out-of-this-world gifting in social awareness to function in a socially aware way. However, we do need to “activate” our own social awareness component by being quiet, listening, observing, and processing what we observe. Too often, in our desire to do good and make a difference, we plow ahead with good intentions but miss the cues and signals being sent by those around us, and as a result, we misstep, cause issues, or hurt people.  

Unfortunately, being quiet, listening, and observing is not my default setting, but with God’s grace, I chose these habits at a pivotal moment in my career. 

When I received my first promotion into the administrative realm, it was a bit of a surprise. There was no open position, no application, and no formal interview! Instead, a leader in the organization stopped by my office, and said, “what would you think about...” and started a conversation. Within a couple of weeks, there was a new position created for me. 

This step in my career path was a surprise to me – and more significantly – a surprise to those around me, especially those who may have been planning or hoping to have the title I suddenly claimed. I was thrust into “the room where it happens” (shout out to Hamilton!), and I was not sure how to navigate the new crowd I was hanging with. With my leadership degree newly minted, my EQ knowledge was fresh, and I made a conscious decision to be quiet, ask questions, and be very disciplined with offering an opinion.  

I thought that approach would earn me respect from the others in the room, and ultimately it did, but not for the reasons I thought. Being quiet allowed me to observe. I noticed people – really saw them – and listened to their frustrations and struggles. I learned what they love, I appreciated their sense of humor, and I gained nuggets of wisdom from each of them. I also noticed those flashes of irritation when so-and-so spoke or how they got nervous during certain topics or whether they seemed uncharacteristically tired or down.  

Most importantly, when I pondered that information, I realized they each had a perspective on me, this new position, whether I deserved it or not, and what they wished had happened. Those perspectives were shaped by their own experiences, observations, desires, and flaws – just like my perspective was. I started feeling connected to them and caring for them in new ways, and their feelings mattered to me. While some people were more open than others, I felt some level of connection with each.  

This group – who did not lay out the welcome mat for me when I first joined – became dear colleagues and friends, sources of encouragement, laughter, and compassion (and yes, sometimes, frustration and stress). We shared quite a journey over the next decade or so. I even had a turn at leading them through an interim period, and I still have the appreciation gift they gave me at the end of that season. 

This experience was one of the most significant leadership lessons of my life. I thought I would be quiet and listen to demonstrate my respect for them, but listening and observing had an influence on me instead. My social awareness skills took a giant leap forward, and I never wanted to return to clueless me. 

I am an avid reader and an advocate of reading. I would love for you to read about social awareness (like this blog!). More than that, I would love for you to practice social awareness by opening your eyes to the people around you, listening to what they have to say, becoming aware of their emotions and feelings, and learning to appreciate who they are as a result. Managing your relationships will become much easier as a result.  

If you want to talk about social awareness and take a step in developing yours, please reach out. I would love to help.  

pc: Hermes Rivera via Unsplash