Leaders and their thick skin
I was listening to a podcast over the weekend, and the narrator was sharing a story between a church leader and his mentor. The leader was receiving some criticism from members of the organization, and he was sharing the feedback with his mentor, an older and more experienced leader. The mentor told him he needed to spend less time focusing on the criticism and more time focusing on his work and calling.
Simultaneously, I understood the mentor’s feedback and was also stunned by the advice. Within the broader context of the podcast, it was clear the criticism was accurate and needed to be heard, but based on the advice of his mentor, he ignored it and moved on. In this situation, the guidance from the mentor was unwise. In another context, it may be accurate and necessary.
When I was tapped for my first administrative position, I received several congratulatory notes and plenty of advice. The first two messages were from colleagues and friends whom I deeply respected. They each gave some version of the same advice: Grow thick skin. After a decade in senior administration, I now understand why this guidance would be their primary message.
The need for “thick skin” was immediate. One campus colleague called me after hearing the news, and he was quite clear with his communication. He said something like, “I’ve really enjoyed having you as a colleague, but you are now going over to ‘the dark side.’ I no longer feel comfortable discussing the various aspects of the organization as we have in the past.” Dark side? The naïve side of me thought that phrase was only referenced in memes – not by colleagues with PhD’s. I laughed at first, assuming the comment was meant in jest. He made it clear it was not. Within minutes of becoming a leader, I had lost a friend.
As I listened to the podcast, my mind wandered back to that introduction to leadership. We may need thick skin, but if it gets too thick, we may miss valid and necessary feedback. At the same time, focusing too much on criticism may reflect that we care too deeply about what people think. This may cause us to consider our own emotions more than the needs of the organization. Most of the advice related to criticism uses terms like “too much” or “too little” - but how do we know?
To help us navigate the feedback (good or bad!) we receive, consider these approaches.
The helpful and supportive indicators. In How the Most Successful Leaders Deal with Criticism, the author provides two ways to measure feedback: helpful/unhelpful (the content) and supportive/unsupportive (the tone). I really like this dichotomy. Sometimes positive feedback is unhelpful; for example, “great job!” tells the recipient nothing about what was great or meaningful or effective. Criticism that is both unhelpful (there’s nothing specific for you to really understand) and unsupportive (the tone is rude or hurtful) provides nothing to support specific change. There isn’t really anything constructive you can gain from it.
Know yourself. Not everyone receives feedback in the same way, and there is a wide continuum of possible reactions. On one end of the continuum is the person who is swayed and affected by the opinions of others. They may be hesitant to make decisions before knowing how others react. On the opposite end, there are those who are clueless about or who disregard the opinions of others and how a particular decision will be received. Of course, there is a vast gap between those two as well. In fact, this dichotomy may oversimplify the options. One person may care deeply about how others will react to a certain topic, and the same person may disregard any feedback related to a different topic. Some individuals may only believe the negative and have a hard time accepting anything positive.
The bottom line is we need to know ourselves and be honest with ourselves. We need to develop our emotional intelligence so we have both self-awareness and relational awareness. Knowing where we are on that continuum is essential.
Patterns of feedback. It is human nature to gravitate to positive feedback and allow it to reinforce our actions and thoughts about ourselves. Whether the positive feedback is vague or specific, we tend to accept it like a sponge. We often respond to negative feedback differently – we resist, get defensive, or question the motives or character of the criticizer. Whether feedback is positive or negative, we need to search for themes.
Let’s explore a couple of examples. Consider the leader who holds a company meeting to announce some upcoming initiatives. After the meeting, the leader receives a dozen accolades of the supportive but unhelpful type (e.g., “great meeting!”). The leader notes a pattern – employees received the news positively – but why? The leader could follow up with a couple of those supporters with some simple questions such as: “Thanks for the feedback! I appreciate you taking the time to share. I would love to know a little more about what you enjoyed about the meeting. What was helpful about it? What would you encourage me to do at future meetings?” Since these individuals are providing supportive feedback, you may want to venture into constructive criticism with a question like, “Is there anything you would suggest I change about my approach?”
The tougher situation is when there seems to be a pattern of negative criticism. Even if the feedback is unsupportive and unhelpful, a pattern of it may indicate there is some truth to the criticism. Another explanation for a pattern of unsupportive criticism is a problem with the organizational culture. There may be some toxic elements empowering people to respond with such negativity. Either way, as a leader, we need to take steps toward understanding the root causes of the feedback.
Rely on mentors and supporters. In the example above, the leader was encouraged to follow up with supporters to better understand the feedback given. Good leaders make a habit of this! In addition, good leaders establish open and honest relationships with a handful of trusted employees, colleagues, and mentors – inside and outside of their organization – people who care about the leader personally and professionally and are honest and thoughtful. Through these relationships, leaders share the feedback they receive and seek counsel on what should be gleaned from criticism. They establish personal learning goals and actions that flow from these conversations and are consistent with the mission and direction of their organization.
I can think of times when members of the organization – people who cared about me and who cared about the whole organization – kindly yet directly shared very difficult insights that I needed to hear. It was hard, simply because sometimes the truth hurts. Yet I appreciated and respected those individuals even more, and I subsequently sought their advice on other topics.
Back to that thick skin...through these approaches, we get “tougher,” but we also become less defensive and more open, honest, and vulnerable. Whether you are a entry-level manager or at the very top of an organization, feedback is essential to our growth and development as employees, as leaders, and as people. Ask for it. Welcome it. Respond to it. Grow from it. Let ABL Wise Consulting help you through your journey.
Source: How the Most Successful Leaders Deal with Criticism by Danielle Harlan
